Twinkle.

I realized recently what it is that bothers me about dating and relationships in general. Or should I say that I realized more of what bothers me? You can meet people who you want in your life or find irresistible, but in the grand scheme of things, they can have little or no importance to your future or your life in its entirety. Sometimes they can have no impact at all. Sure, maybe you learn something, or a lot of things, but time goes by, and eventually they are just water under the bridge. The shitty part is that you might not know if the person you develop a friendship with, or feelings for, is water under the bridge, or your very own personal swimming pool. You don’t know if the twinkle in your eye will be remembered as the spinach in your teeth. And you definitely don’t know if they will stay a twinkle forever.

I want everything that I work on or invest in to mean something. I don’t like the premise of the crash and burn…not that I want everything to be everlasting love, I just want it to be healthy and make sense to me.

Also, seriously, how are we supposed to pick apart what we are being too picky about, and what we really “deserve” or want. Like, I don’t like something about you, but maybe I’m being a picky bitch. Right?! Or maybe you really aren’t doing the right things…so do I tell you and sound threatening to you. Or do I let it go and does that mean I am settling?

My inclination is to throw in the towel and start over with someone different, or better yet, buy a thirteen passenger van, remove the seats, seal a couple of the windows, park it by a grassy river, and live without you (and everyone). Call my Sister a couple times a week, get a dog, and ignore life.

Is this self-sabotage?

I hate this. Wait, no, I like it. Nevermind.